Apologies in advance for what is mostly going to be a stream of consciousness ramble.
Yes, the title and images are a reference to Sisyphus and that pesky stone.
Most days as of late, the stone feels pretty light, honestly. Akin to carrying a pebble in your pocket. Barely noticeable.
But a couple days ago, it felt like the weight of a thousand stones bore down upon me. It hit me almost out of nowhere.
The morning started out fine enough. There was a light snow and a lovely hush over everything. I sat on the porch with a cup of coffee and just enjoyed it. The silence. The peace. The calm. Life was good indeed.
I set about trying to work on some images, posts, and my short story.
In between, I was messaging some friends.
That’s when it started to creep in. That pebble was gaining size and mass at an alarming rate.
Most of my friends are former co-workers. Most of them are getting screwed and being taken advantage of. As I messaged with them back and forth, all the old feelings came back. The failures on my part, the pain of the betrayals and knives in my back, and the anger that my friends were unhappy just to top it all off.
Yep, that stone was getting pretty damn heavy.
I pushed and pushed, but little by little, that stone was rolling back over me. By late afternoon, it was crushing me and I didn’t care one bit. I was ready for it. Hell, part of me invited it. I was ready to cut off all ties with everyone and everything. Cut off my friends, delete this blog, block people on my phone.
Fuck it. Who cares?
A couple fellow bloggers (You know who you are), heard me out and talked me down a bit. To them, I am eternally grateful. I also did some writing that helped me get the feelings out and onto the page.
But, still, it wasn’t quite enough. That stone was still pushing me under.
And it was pushing me under because I was letting it. I was focusing on the past mistakes and owning the misery of my friends. I had crossed the line of being supportive and letting them vent, to superimposing their problems onto myself. They did not ask me to at all. I had taken it upon myself.
At that point I made a conscious choice to let it go. I still listened to my friends, but I reminded myself that these problems were not mine. That place was no longer my problem, it’s the past and ain’t jackshit is going to change it.
They might be stuck there with the cowards and the vipers. I, however, am not.
The stone is not quite a pebble again yet, but it’s getting there.
If there’s a takeaway here, I guess it would just be to remind yourself that you are worthy, you are deserving, and no one, not one single fucking person has the right to define you. No one except you.
On another note, I woke to a very pleasant surprise today. I got a notification that I passed 10,000 total views!
I’d like to thank the Academy… ๐
It was a very nice little surprise, and I want to say a huge thanks to everyone who reads, subscribes and comments. When I started this, I hadn’t even imagined this being possible. I am truly grateful to have found this community. I have totally enjoyed this little adventure and look forward to many more! ๐
The Beginning At Last 
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